The Fundamental Order of things
by ratpigeon
Summary: What happens if you mess around with fundamental facts of the Narutoverse - the habits of a certain sage?...A really gay, Jiraiya with coma-inducing hair, who's...bits fall off in the shower, ending in a woman jiraiya-slut. And it's all Tsunade's fault...
1. Chapter 1

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

However, one of the facts of Fanfic, is that these thruths will be questioned in a series of hopefully humorous, mostly ridiculous stories, and so, dear reader, I invite you on a journey into the deepest depths of insanity, and a world in which Jiraiya's pervery will have a very dubious future, dependiing on how it all pans out.

This has been the author, now, please read the story. ~Ratpigeon

Chapter One: A New Technique.

Tsunade looked up as Jiraiya walked into her office, understandably nervous. After all, he'd just been caught peeping on the hot springs, and was dreading her wrath. He was also somewhat pink, due to burns and the fact that he was probably imagining her topless, since she'd been the one who caught him while she was taking a bath, and had proceeded to dump him head first in the hottest pool. His Transparency jutsu didn't work very well when he was silhouetted in steam.

"Yes, Tsunade?"

Tsunade smiled, revelling in her power as Hokage. Mwahaha! Jiraiya would PAY!! And, of course, she'd be able to test out an experimental technique she was developing.

"I was just wondering how those scalds were. Your one of Konoha's best ninja, excluding me, and I need you in top shape. Come over here and I'll fix you up." Tsunade said, smiling demurely and folding her hands in her lap (not that she needed such a cheap ploy to push her boobs up, but a good ninja always made sure). Jiraiya's eyes were wide, white and lightly unfocused as he sat down on her desk, and Tsunade began to heal the scalds on his face and neck. Fter a few seconds, she made some new handsigns and pressed her fingertips toi Jiriaya's forehead, sending the chakra into his secondary brain and down his spine to his main brain.

"Emasculation jutsu." After a few seconds, Jiriaya's eyes opened again and he smiled at Tsunade.

"I'm sorry about before, Tsunade, it was an inappropriate use of my abilities, especially in these usntable times. I'll buy you dinner...or a round of sake, to make up for it, okay?" Jiraiya asked, contrite as he stared steadily into Tsunade's eyes. Her _eyes._ Tsunade smiled and nodded, this was working even better than she had planned. Now, for one last test. Tsunade pulled out a kunai, and there was the sound of her grey top ripping.

"Oh, how did your top break, Tsunade? Do you want to borrow mine? Or I could get you a new one, so that you won't have to walk around shirtless. It's hardly a fitting image for the Hokage. Wat colour do you want?" Jiraiya didn't even bat an eyelash. Tsunade bit her lip, pulling her green coat closed around her chest. This was very odd, even if it was the plan...

"Don't worry Jiraiya, I have a change of clothes in my closet...uh, and you can go now."

"Of course hokage. Do you want to meet me at the bar tonight, so that I can buy you that sake?"

"Uh...okay..."

Tsunade watched Jiraiya leave, feeling strangely ill at ease after staring at his politely smiling face. This was really creepy...

*

"Hey, Pervy-sage, If I do my sexy jutsu fopr you wil you teach me another jutsu? Like how to walk on air?" Jiraiya looked around and saw Naruto running towards him. The kid really was quite adorable, like a fluffy blond puppy...

"You don't need to do that. I'm your teacher, come on, I'll teach you my Wild Lion's mane Jutsu."

Naruto stared blankly at his teacher for a moment before his eyes narrowed.

"Who are you and what have you done with my teacher?" He demanded, folding his arms.

"I am your teacher, you silly kid. I am Jiraiya, the Toad Mountain Sage, your teacher, remember?"

"You left out 'megaperve'." Muttered Naruto, which the sannin thought was a little unfair. He was not a pervert.

"Do you want to learn the technique or not?"

"...Okay, but if you try anything funny, I'll feed you a rasengan." Jiraiya grinned, Naruto's smile was quite adorable, maybe he was a bit more like a kitten...or some sort of fluffy animal. He practically even had whiskers. Waving his hand at Naruto to follow, Jiraiya began to walk towards the waterfall. W_hat Jutsu should he teach Naruto?_


	2. Chapter 2

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter Two: Another New Technique

W_hat Jutsu should he teach Naruto? _Jiraiya stroked his chin, pondering the question as he lookad at his adorable little student. Naruto was hopping from foot to foot with impatience.

"I'm gonna get a new jutsu, I'm gonna get a new jutsu, I'm gonna be cooler than Sasuke, I'm gonna get a new jutsu."

"Yes you are, Kid, I'm going to teach you one of my greatest abilities, the awesome power of the Wild Lion's Mane Jutsu and its variants!" _speaking of which, I really need to get a haircut, I've had the same style for forty years...Ah well, at least I'm not as bad as Orochimaru, I swear he was born with that long black hair...If only the snake-sucker was a blond, he could suck _my...

"Pervy-Sage! Snap out of it! I wanna learn the hair trick!"

"Oh, right, of course Naruto, and afterwards, I'll treat you to a bowl of Ramen and we can go for a soak in the hotsprings, Okay?"

"Whoo-Hoo! Ramen! Hurry up and teach me this jutsu so I can EAT!"

"Okay, watch closely. I'll teach you them in the order I developed them. This is a jutsu that no-one else has ever learnt, not even the Fourth."

"All _right!" _Naruto punched the air with a fist. He was such an excitable young boy, Jiraiya mused, as he began to show Naruto the technique.

*

Tsunade paced around her office, cards in hand, as a patient, but tried looking Shizune sat in front of the desk, her own cards face down as she waited for Lady Tsunade to bet or fold...well, really just to see how much the fifth Hokage would bet.

"You should have seen him Shizune, it was unnatural. He was _polite. _And when I ripped my shirt just to check, he didn't even look!" Tsunade turned around, and slapped some money on the table. "And I bet a hundred."

Shizune looked at her aces in the hole, and calmly checked, listening to Tsunade rant. Personally, the younger ninja didn't understand why Tsunade was so worked up, personally, she'd be relieved to be ableto go to the hot springs, or the pool by the waterfall, or anywhere, without having to keep and eye out for the Mega-perve. And she was black-haired. She could hardly imagine what it must be like for the few blondies around, like Lady Tsunade.

"Jiraiya without his pervyness is just... just _wrong!" _Tsunade continued, flipping the top three cards off the top of the deck - an ace and two kings.

"Aha! I've got you now, Shizune, I bet another hundred." SHizune almost sighed, but money was money, so she checked.

"I'm sure that your jutsu will lose its effect after a while, it's not like you sealed it or anything." Shizune said as Tsunade turned over the next card, a four.

"Ehehehe...." Tsunade slammed her cards down on the desk, slightly harder than intended, and looked sheepish.

"Oh dear." Shizune began to gather upthe scattered cards, and all of that money that she should have won; maybe it wasn't so accidental after all...Tsunade had a two and a seven.

*

"Thanks for the food, Pervy-sage!" declared NAruto in that way that was uniquely his, as teacher and student made their way to the hot springs. "I could eat like Chouji for Beef Ramen!"

Jiraiya smiled, delicately not mentining that NAruto had eaten like an Akimichi, packing away five bowls in fifteen minutes. He was just looking forwar to the hosprings to soothe the cramp in his wallet.

"Oh, yeah, Pervy-sage, Kakashi-sensei asked me when the next Icha Icha is coming out. You'd better not be going to the hot springs to do more research." Naruto spn around and started walking backwards, staring at Jiraiya suspiciously as he used his hands to ruffle his artfully messy blonde hair. Jiraiya blinked. He had a half finshed novel, starring a character loosely based on a hybrid of sexy jutus, and Tsunade, with a little bit of Kurenai, just for good measure, but suddenly he felt any desire to write it slip away in the evening breeze.

"If you try to perve on the womens baths while I'm their, I'll tie you up with your own Jutsu." Sid Naruto, not breaking his speech for Jiriaya's thoughts. Jiraiya grinned at that, the red lines stretching from his eyes disguising the faintest tinge of pink on his cheeks. Naruto was always a good subject for research, and the threat of getting tied up in that blond hair was tempting....

*

Once a perve, always a perve....even if Tsunade has reversed Jiriaya's preferences.... Thanks to Felix for all of the ideas! He validates my cringing self-esteem, by reviewing, and following all my stories, a million million to the power of ten thanks!

Also, sorry it took so long for me to update anything, I realised that for me to write Sexy jutsu's revenge, I needed at least a passing aquaintence with Shipuuden, so I went and read about seventy chapters online, and I'm still not up to it. Its SOOO long~!


	3. Chapter 3

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter three: The consequnces of the first new technique.

Tsunade gingerly made her way towards Jiraiya's apartment, wrinkling her nose at the state of affairs she was in. Shte, the Fifth Hokage, Granddaughter of the First, Sannin, and most accomplished Medical Ninja in the Five Nations, was sneaking up on her teammates apartment so that she could spy on him in the middle of teh night. And it wasn't even the evil one...

"Why do birds suddenly appear...." Tsunade froze as she heard the unmistakeably awful tones of Jiraiya trying to sing - only this time, there wasn't any of the slurring that characterised the 'hermit's' voice when he was drunk.

"Every time you are near,

just like me, they want to be

Close to you...Naruto...sexy blonde...."

Gah.

Tsunade almost passed out on the street then and there. Her jutsu had definitely gone a little too far...

"Oh, Tsunade? Are you out there?" Jiraiya called, poking his head ot of the window of a derelict little apartment, and beckoning to Tsunade. "Come in, or you'll catch a cold."

Tsunade could see that he'd been writing - there were inkstains on his right hand, and his hair was in more disarray than usual, as it fanned out around his head, rebelling against the ponytail it was kept in all day. Knowing that Jiraiya hated being interupted while writing, Tsunade gingerly made her way into the apartment, prepared for the sensory assault of fifty years partyime inhabitation, and no cleanning.

The apartment was clean.

No, Tsunade amended, staring arund in almost horrified, and definitely stunned disbelief, the apartment was _immaculate._ It was cleaner than Shizune kept Tsunade's room, it was even cleaner than Konoha's Hospital...

"I'm sorry about the mess, I wasn't expecting visitors." Said Jiraiya, gesturing for Tsunade to sit down on one of the chairs. Tsunade remembered those chairs, but she hadn't seen them in about eighteen years, and had thought they had just decomposed under all the mess. Which wasn't there anymore. It was creepy.

"Uh, I was just wondering..."

"Ah, yes, I'm writing a new novel, branching out a bit. Would you like to read my first few chapters?" Jiraiya asked, preparing some tea and picking up a sizeable pile of the yellow notepaper that he had always used to write.

Hesitantly, but deciding that the best way to gauge the effects of her jutsu was to see what he was writing, Tsunade took the notepaper and began to read.

_The sun was setting, staining his golden hair red as he smiled at me, that smile that was uniquely his, so innocent, happy, but tinged with the bitterness of his lonely childhood. His blue eyes, those eyes so full of the determination and faith that can change even the hardest heart of a shinobi, looked into mine, like oceans, but underneath I could see the promise of the flaming red...the promise of destruction._

_I wrap my arms around him, swearing to myself that I would protect this blue-eyed angel, from the derision of the world, and, more importantly, from the demon crouched malignantly within...._

Tsunade looked up at Jiraiya, open-mouthed, not sure how to react to this deeply sensitive, yet really, _really **really **_wrong description of the villages Number one loudmouth. She was torn between tears of sympathy, blushing in embarassment for Jiraiya, or just plain rage.

"It's not very good yet, but I have the whole plot laid out." Jiraiya said, taking the notepaper back from Tsunade when he saw that she had stopped reading.

Tsunade decided to go for her old favourite - rage.

"You PERVERT!" She yelled, grabbing his hair. "He's your STUDENT! HE"S FORTY YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU!!!"

Jiraiya shrugged.

"It was better when you were writing those damn Icha Icha books! At least then you weren't descending into pedophilia."

"No, I'm not descending into pedophilia. This story is fictional. My characters are four years apart in age."

"That is really rich. I have to undo this jutus right now. I don't care if your gay, I don't care if your a perve, but I refuse to allow you to go around trying to take advantage of Naruto! That's just not fair, the kid's an idiot!" Tsunade grit her teeth, and glared at Jiriaya, trying to remember exactly how she put the jutsu on.

"...Does it really bothr you that much, Tsunade?" Jiraiya asked after a moment, tilting his head.

"Yes, it does." Snapped the blond Sannin, still trying to remember what the third handsign had been.

"...My apologies Lady Hokage. I will turn my attentions elsewhere then...I miss my last student...Ah, Minkoto..."

"JIRAIYA!" Tsunade decided that enough was enough, and punched him. Damn pervert...

*

Sorry It's taken me so long to update any of this stuff, I've just been busy lately, with a heap of exams last week, and trying to get up to date with what actually happens in Naruto Shipuuden so that I can write Sexy Jutsu's revenge, and then just general writers block...THe long and short of it is that getting this chapter ot was really very hard, but I've managed to bring in the idea of a gay Icha Icha, like I promised Felix, and strech it out into a thousand words.

I have an idea for my next chapter in this, so it shouldn't take too long to update, but the others seem to be taking a vacation at the moment...


	4. Chapter 4

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter three: Konoha's first restraining order.

_I, Jiraiya the toad Sage and member of the Sannin, do hereby swear not to entertain any romantic intentions towards any of my students, past, present or future, blonde or not, or towards anyone under the age of twenty, because otherwise Tsundae,. the really scary fifth Hokage with superhuman strength, aided by her two nearly as scary disciples, especially Sakura, will be fully entitled to beat me to a bloody, bloody pulp._

_signed: Jiraiya._

"There, are you happy now, Lady Tsunade?" Jiraiya asked, looking up at the woman who was standing over him menacingly. By an impressive feat of physiology, Jiraiya managed to crane his neck in a manner hat allowed him to look past Tsunade's voluptuous curves at the level of his face, and meet her own eyes, smiling at her before standing up.

"Not really, but it'll have to do." Tsunade said glowering, largely due to the fact that Jiraiya had gone to such lengths to avoid staring at her cleavage. Tsunade never said she liked men staring at her breasts, but she was used to it. It was something that she barely even noticed anymore, and now the megaperve was going to huge lengths not to look. It made our hokage feel very insecure about the birthday looming only a month or two away.

"Good, now, you have to hold up your side of the bargain." Jiraiya smiled, sucking on the bloody index finger he had used to sign his restraining order. Tsunade shook her head, unsure exactly what to do.

"You promised. Your hair has changed three times in recorded anime, Mine just grew." Jiraiya said, folding his arms and...**_pouting. _**Jiraiya _pouted _at her. Tsunade supressed a shudder. She missed the old Jiraiya, and now she was even going to miss his horrible hair.

_How on earth was she meant to change that hair? The hair _**was** _Jiraiya....or at least, the hair was old Jiraiya. _Her J_iraiya._

*

"Ooh, ooh, and guess what! Ichiraku has a new flavour of Ramen! They even let me have a free sample because I'm their best custoimer. They're calling it 'Vege Ramen', but they wouldn't tell me what Vege meant. But they promised me there weren't any vegetables, so that's okay, and-"

Naruto was talking with (babbling at) Sakura and Sasuke, on his way to training, with the perpetually late Copy Ninja when he heard Jiraiya's voice calling out from behind.

"Hey! Naruto! How's my favourite student coming? D'ya recognise me wiht my great new 'do?"

Naruto turned, ready to berate his new teacher for being a pain - Jiraiya as a perve was afforded no respect, unlike Kakashi, who was just a closet perve - but he was frozen in his tracks when he saw the Sannin, before a passing breeze blew him over, still in the same position.

Jiraiya's hair was.........

*

Sorry this chapter was so short, but can anyone come up with a hairstyle for Jiraiya? Any ideas at all? Send me a description, a picture, a link to a picture, anything. I'm stumped, and I can't update this till I have a hairdo. Orochimaru may show up next chapter, just as a sneak preview thingie. But the story may decide that it's not to be, so he might not. But he will show up sometime....

Also, thankyou to my ever faithful Felix, and to my new reviewer Volent19. I was absolutely shocked when I found reviews other than Stormy's for this story. But very pleased. ^_^ and for TJicebeam, I'm sorry, but Jiraiya did perve on Naruto's sexy jutsu, so we all know he is not overtly opposed to younger people, but I do agree, I migt have taken it a bit to far, but I am a slave to the will of the story, which was that.

Oh, and one last thing (I promise this is the last a/n this chap) I've set this just after the chuunin exams, but since it'd be a pain to have to include all the missing Sasuke angst, he never ran off.


	5. Chapter 5

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter four: _**Hair**_

"Naruto, wake up. C'mon, I have to show you the rest of that set of jutsu." Jiraiya said, prodding the petrified body of his student. another breeze blew through the village, and shattering was heard as the stone corpses of several unimportant background characters blew over and smashed, chunks of stone littering the street. the others just blew over.

"I guess they just really like my new haircut." Jiraiya said to himself, turning to leave his stone pupil on the ground. "I'm going to show Gamabunta next." With that thought drifting along the silent street behind him, Jiraiya left a scene of devastation worse than any Konoha had ever seen, to summon his toad in an open field where he wouldn't cause any damage.

*

The large orange toads settled down on his haunches, taking in a deep breath of the fresh air that he was seeing more and more frequently, and breathing it out again, along with a large amount of noxious fumes. That ritual done, Gamabunta cleared the pipe-smoke that had masked his appearance, and looked around for who had summoned him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" There are very few things that could scare a creature liike Gamabunta, but what the Chief Toad saw on Jiriaya's head made him wet his non-pants, scream like a little girl, and go hide under the waterfall.

"Do you like my new Hairdo, Gama-chan?" Asked Jiraiya from the shore.

_That was...that was HAIR??_

What had terrified Gamabunta (or Gama-chan) was the chest length, sleek **_thing_** hanging around Jiraiya's face. It was not, could not, be hair. Hair didn't come in that many colours, or that searingly fluoroly bright. Even Gamabunta knew this, and his experience wit hair was very limited, to say the least.

"No. Give me back my contract."

"What?"

"**_Give me back my damn contract you, you, I'm not working for something like that!!!!!!! Your worse than that pipsqueak kid, so GIVE ME BACK MY CONTRACT!!!" _**gamabunta bellowed, still cowering under the waterfall, hollowing out a cave there from trying to back up.

"No, I haven't shown the rest of you guys my new hair yet." Jiriaya said, folding his arms.

"If you _**dare**_ corrupt my children with that thing I will kill you, Jiraiya."

_"_Betcha can't." That was too much for the chief toad to take, but, since Jiriaya was right, and Gamabunta didn't have much actual attack force other than squashing stuff, the chief toad retreated to his mountain in a sulk, and puff of stinky smoke, to send all of the other toads into a summoning proof bomb shelter.

Jiraiya, meanwhile, was unsatisfied with this spate of Chaos and terror, beginning with Tsunade's bloodstained office and exploded brain (But she didn't die because of Shizzune's amazing skills and that life seal thingie she has, fortunately for Jiraiya's normal self, and I didn't write it due to the T rating that I have kept to quite poorly) and now, continuing - by foot, since none of his toads woulod show up to give him a lift - to Orochimaru's den. His teammate was going to be so jealous.

*

Orochimaru was sitting in his cave, recently reincarnated, and cursing Sasuke for not showing up on timewith hi black hair. Now he had to make do with _blond _hair, for the love of god. Of course, he did have a transformation jutsu to make him look like his usual, handsome self, but he could _feel _blondness seeping through his veins, and was harbouring a very real fear that it might cause him to become Naruto-ish....a thought to horrible to even contemplate.

As we can see, he was currently being very well-behaved for an evil villain, and not hurting anyone, even the Sound Four that had so dreadfully failed him - he was leaving that to the sadistic, bespectacled Mosquito-Pig-man (Ka can mean mosquito, and Buta is pig. I looked it up.)

"Found Ya!" Orochimaru blinked, but didn't instantly spin around as he heard the unusually cheerful voice of his old teammate. THis probably saved his life, as Jiraiya's hair had been pulled up into two ponytails, Tsunade-style, to keep it out of the way and maximise trauma. "OH MY GOD! You've gone blond and got your hair cut TOO!" Orochimaru was (To borrow a phrase from Stormy) Flying Tackleglomped by the larger, heavier Jiraiya.

_Damn the hair. _Orochimaru would have to have words with Mosquito-pig-man about killing off all of his black-haired potential bodies.

"I absolutely love this curly blond thing you've got going, Orochimaru, can I call you Oro-chan? Of course I can, we've known eachother for yonks, anyway..."

Orochimaru wasn't listening to Jiraiya babble, his unfamiliar, but sensitive nerves were slowly getting the message of 'ow, searing pain, ow, bloody OW!' through.

"OW!"

"Oh, I'm sorry Orochimaru." Jiraiya said, climbing off the bac k of Orchimaru's chair.

_Boss, King Manda said to warn you about Jiraiya's hair. He got a message from Gamabunta about it. _Orochimaru blinked again as he got the whispered message from his tummy snake (twice in a day, a record)

"That's nice, uh, I have a hat for you, jiraiya." said Orochimaru, averting his eyes from the rainbow haze that his self-preservation instincts wouldn't let him see.

"That's very sweet of you Orochimaru, I will treasure it always." Said Jiraiya, taking the hat that Orochimaru summoned up with one ofhis many jutus. It had been in the pile of 'stuff he took from little defensless children' in his bedroom. "...Hey, you're over the age of consent and never have or will be my student, right blondie?"

"What?"

*

BWAHAHAHA! I'm getting an OD of EVIL! I even feel almost sorry for Orochimaru.

Did you know that out of my 9 stories, this one, while having the least hits by about 200 has the best reviews/hit ratio at about 1/10. Thankyou to Stormy, Volent19, and TJicebeam, who have reviewed, favourited _and_ alerted, to the other twelve or so, *hint hint*...


	6. Chapter 6

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter Five: Oro-chan, and Hair Genjutsu (Still more new techniques)

"You're over the age of consent, and you've never been, or will be, my student, right, Oro-chan?"

"y-yes..." Orochimaru was getting a very bad feeling as he noticed a strange look in Jiraiya's eye. For the first time in a very long time, the Snake Sannin was...scared. "I want KAbuto...."

"You dont' need Kabuto, and that's a _really _weird name by the way. He's some creepy freaky Sadist type anyway. I'm sure he's been a very bad influence on you, Oro-chan."

"Please stop calling me Oro-chan" Orochimaru whimpered, strching back away from Jiraiya. He was still getting used to his new body, and couldnt' get out of his chair with the Toad sage practically on it.

"Would you prefer 'sweetheart' darling or Beautiful then, Gorgeous?"

"...Jiraiya...what's...wrong...with you...?"

"Nothing, Sweetheart. I'm absolutely fine. What about you, you look very pale... well, even ppaler than usual. Are you sick, Beautiful?"

_No, I'm scared poopless. _THought Orochimaru with a faint shiver as Jiraiya began checking his temperature by putting a hand gently, almost caressingly against his cheek.

"Your very cold, Oro-chan. Maybe you got Hypothermia from sitting in this awful cave. Would it kill you to make it a little more homely?" Orochimaru went backand edited out that almost, as Jiraiya started stroking his face. Only his shinobi training, and a huge effort of will stopped him from breaking out in confused and scared tears. _Where's Kabuto...I want my Mosquito-pig-man_

"Jiraiya... what's wrong with you?" Orochimaru gulped, pulling away slightly, to no avail, as Jiraiya kept stroking his face amorously, bringing his own, red-stiped, and, in Oro-chan's opinion, rather ugly, equivalent closer.

"Nothing, love...So, where's ypur bedroom in this dump?"

"W-wh-wh-w-what?"

"Well, if your sick, you need bed rest in a nice _warm_ bed." Jiraiya said, picking Orochimaru, who was powerles to resist against the physically stronger ninja.

"KAbuto! Where are you!" Orochimaru called into the echoing warrens, hoping that the other wwhite-aird man in the hideout would hear him.

Jiriaya began to walk through the warren, looking for Orochimaru's bedroom, humming softly. As he went, the hat he'd put on began to slip off, and Orochimaru was gradually revealed the true horror of Jiraiya's haircut.

First he was shown the garish, glaring rainbow colours, heavily weighted towards flouro pink.

Then, he noticed how unnaturally smooth and shiny it was - obvious signs of Hair gel, it looked like it was probably the Shinobi Princess, perfect hairdo brand, Orchimaru had used it before he found Kabuto who had his own special type of hair gel made especially for his master. A child of many talents.

The third thing he noticed was the pigtails, one on each side of Jiraiya's head, swaying in time with the Sannin's heavy steps.

_swish swish swish swish..._

Orochimaru was lucky that he only saw the hair bit by bit, or else it would have had the same effect on him as everyone else (stonification and potential shattering), but even so....

_swish swish swish sish..._

Orochimaru felt his mind wander, and his eyesight blur, until all he could see was the swaying, shimmering rainbows of Jiraiya's hair.

_swish swish swish swish..._

_...Genjutsu...? But...Jiraiya doesn't use gen...ju...tsu.... _was the last thought that ran through Orochimaru's mind as he blacked out, still trapped amid swishing rainbows.

*

When Kabuto went into Orochimaru's bedroom, after checking the hall with his chair first, he only intended to give his master some medicine. Instead he walked in on a scene that would scar him for life.

Orochimaru and Jiraiya were...

_Kissing..._

Kabuto froze, staring in horror and disbelief. Thsi was disturbing to the extreme. How could Orochimar-sama allow this! What -

Kabuto's eyes narrowed as he saw the glazed expression in his masters own yellow eyes.

_Genjutsu! That sneaky b*****d had used Genjutsu on Orochimaru-sama to get him into bed!!!!!!!!!!!_

And then Kabuto, motivated by his own, slightly less than wholesome interest for his master, attacked.

And Jiriaya felt pain.

*

...I feel really sorry for Oro-chan now. He's lost all respect anyone might have for him, and the MEgaperve is taking advantage of him. He needs rescuing. Next chapter.

Please review!


	7. Chapter 7

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter Six: Tsunade to the rescue.

Jiraiya was on thea floor, trying to work out what hit him, while Kabuto was trying to revive Orochimaru from his stupor - survival instinct, the Genjutsu was already cancelled. then there was a swirl of leaves, and the poofing sounjd that accompanies all jutsu, And, horror of horrors, for Jiraiya at least, Tsunade appeared.

"....What is going on here?" She asked after a long, deathly silent pause. It was Kabuto that answered.

"He-he- he and Orochimaru-sama..."

"Where'd Oro-chan go...?"

"O-oro-chan?" Asked Tsunade, turning to see the catatonic villain.

"He's gone blonde, and now he's gone...." Jiriaya said, slightly woozy as he sat up. "Oh, you hit me, Kabu-poo." He pouted.

"You tried to take advantage of Orochimaru-sama under the influence of Genjutsu!!"

"I did not. I can't use Genjutsu. All those freaky mind tricks."

"Your hair did it" Said Kabuto, folding his arms and pointing to he rainbow thing on Jiriaya's head. He, being a creepy unemotionless creep, was immune to the greater portion of the effects.

"Ridiculus, my hair is awesome!"

"YOur hair is awful." Muttered Tsunade, not looking straight at it.

"You take that back!" Cried Jiraiya, patting his left ponytail defensively.

"I'm in my happy place...happy place...happy place...happy place...happy place..." Orochimaru muttered, curling into a foetal position.

"WHat did you do to him?" Asked tsunade, goingto stroke Orochimaru's forehead carefully.

"And Sasuke's there, and I have his Sharingan, instead of this ridiculous blond, and I'm eviler than Itachi, and stronger...and I know all the Jutsu...and Jiraiya's...Jiraiya's AAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!! _happy place...happy place...happy place...happy place_...!!!"

"Blond...JIRAIYA!!!"

"What? He's over the age of consent, and I never taught him."

"Did he consent? And he's your teammate, not to mention Evil and wanting to destroy us all."

"Since when does that matter?" Jiraiya asked defensively. "You know that bad boys have always had a certain..._allure..._"

Tsunade decided to join Orochimaru in his happy place, and in the ensuing coma, they killed Jiraiya, got married, had a brood of snakey blondes, and then, when Jiraiya returned from the dead after their children, were forced back into reality, with twin screams of abject horror.

"J-jiraiya...You're... come with me. I have to undo that jutsu." Said Tsunade weakly. How on earth could Jiraiya have done that to Orochimaru? And why _Orochimaru _of all people? What did Orochimaru have....

"What Jutsu? I'm perfectly happy...Hey! Oro-chan! Get back here!!" Jiriaya yelled at Orochimaru, who was trying to crawl away inconspicuously.

"You may be happy, but no one else is." Muttered Tsunade, grabbing Jiraiaya by the pigtails. "You are coming with me."

"But Tsunade~" Jiraiya whined, following his ponytails,and the irate, busty woman dragging them.

"No buts, and be glad I'm not throwing you in jail."

"But-"

Jiraiya felt more pain.

*

When Jiraiya came to, he was in Konoha hospital, and Tsunade was swearing throught the walls.

"How am I menat to get rid of that" swearing "Jutsu!! I don't even" swearing "remember how I" swearing "did the" swearing "thing!!" and then there was much more swearing.

"But lady Tsunade, if you don't then imagine what'll happen. The effects of the Jutsu are increasing rapidly. At the moment he still acts and looks like a man, but it's been less than twto days...Imagine what would happen if you left it on for a week. He might even end up turning into a girl, and I don't know if that's reversible, even by you..." Shizune was sounding even more harrassed than usual, poor girl. Standing up, Jiriaya shook out his hair - and abrubtly realised how aesthetically hideous it was. Trying not to retch, he went over to the mirror, and with a quick lion's mane jutus to expel the rainbow dye, and some skillful work with a kunai, emerged with something a bit like Zac Efron, complete with colour and highlights. Then, after another quick jutsu that was somewhere between transformation and Tsunade's youth seal thingie, he felt ready to face the world at large.

"Hello Tsunade-sama." Jiraiya chirped to the still swearing blond, waving his hand at her. After a second he peered more closely at her hair and asked, "Hey, Tsu-chan, did you do something with your hair? Wasn't there just the one short ponytail before?"

"I haven''t worn my hair like that for thirty years you - Oh my..." Tsunade turned around to confront the pervy sage, but when confronted with hot, yet extraordinarily gay-looking young man in front of her, trailed off, Shizune peering over her shoulder and blushing slightly.

"J-jiraya?"

*

The jutsu is becoming more and more advanced, and you can substitute the name Zac Efron for anyone with gay-looking hair.

No offense intended to anyone, that's just a personal opinion, and i'm fairly sure he's well known (if I can put a face to his name, he must be) Jiraiya's face doesn't look like Zac Efron's though, it's just a generic, hot, face. Use your there's a genjutsu added to make everyone see the face they think hottest under the hair...actually, I might do that. Could be interesting to see who finds who hot. Please review. Ta!

Oh, and really sorry for being so lazy about the updates. It's the school holidays. Tata for now! ~Ratpigeon


	8. Chapter 8

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter Seven: The new technique is getting out of hand (you don't say...)

"J-jiraya?" Tsunade stammered, when confronted by the young man in front of her. It was obviously still Jiraiya, though much younger looking and with the wart on his nose less obvious. She looked away, realising that she was staring. Shizune, next to her, had less self control, which was funny, because she'd always thought Jiraiya quite ugly...

"You look like...like... Kakashi..."

"How do _you _even know what Kakashi looks like, Shizune?" Asked Tsunade suspiciously, although, if Jiraiya's hair was still white, he probably would have looked a bit like Kakashi might.

"...I don't..."

"Have any of you seen Oro-cha~n?" Asked Jiraiya, still chirpily to Tsunade as he winked at Shizune. Stupid womaniser. Even when he was irretrievably gay...oh ****...it couldn't be irretrievable _yet _could it?

"He's in intensive therapy with Inoichi. stay away from him."

"Fine, fine... Hey Tsu-chan, it's been so long since I was in the village, I've forgotten where all the clothes shops are," _not that you knew them in the first place _thought Tsunade "Could you come shopping with me?"

"I'll go!" Said Shizune excitedly.

"Great! We can get icecream after, although, I should probably go on a bit of a diet...Come on, Shizune-chan!" Jiriaya linked his arm through Shizune, and bounded out of Hokage tower, leaving a fuming Tsunade behind, wishing with some small part of her sould that _she _was invited out for ice-cream too...

*

Kabuto was standing outside the door, guarding his lord from the unholy attentions of that evil pervert, when Shizune came down the corridor talking to a young man with blonde highlights in his brown hair. Kabuto gasped.

"Oro...chimaru-sama?"

"Oh, Hey, Kabuto! Wanna come get ice-cream with us, cutie?" Said the young man in a cheerful voice that belonged to...Jiraiya! "How's Oro-chan? Is he okay?"

"Kabuto~" came a pitiful whine from inside the room, "Kabuto, come in here and protect me...I'm scared...."

"Orochimaru...sama... you have to calm down, okay, no-one will be let into your room."

"Heya Oro-chan! I'm soo glad your back on our side! Wanna have ice-cream with us?" Jiraiya declared, marching past Kabuto into the room, and waving at the two shinobi there.

"Oh my god you look-" Began Inoichi, on seeing Jiraiya,

"You look like me!" Said Orochimaru, apparently getting instantly over his psychosis.

"-like a Nara." finished Inoichi, stuttering, his eyes wide. (If you object, tell me, and give me a suitable male - for now - alternative and I'll change it.^_^)

"Come have ice-cream with us Oro-chan. Don't worry, Inoichi-kun, Ice cream will make everything better. right Oro?" Jiriaya said breezily, nearly walking through Inoichi to link his free arm with the snake ninja's.

"Right..." Jiraiya left the way he came, having aquired another companion. "Let's go get Ice cream and go shopping...You come to Inoichi!"

*

"Okay, now, where should we go next?" Asked Jiriaya cheerfully, his hands full of shopping. Shizune and Orochimaru were staggering along beside him, exhausted as the sun began to set, and behind, Inoichi had been forced into using his mind body transfer jutus on Shikamaru so that _he _could use Shadow possession on random others so that _they _could carry the rest of the shopping.

Practical creatures, aren't these Konoha Ninja?

"Ice cream~!" Chorused Shizune, Orochimaru Inoichi, Shikamaru, and the long train of baggage handlers as Jiraiya's Super-Gay-infectiously-cheerful-_super_-gay magnetism spread out in a ripple effect. Konoha would never be the same, and even if Tsunade did manage to reverse this tomorrow, there would be permanent effects - plus I would have to kill her, thought Shizune with a small part of her mind. THe rest was busy chorusing _Ice cream! Ice cream! _Very permanent effects, mused that dry part of her mind.

"Come on then!!!" yelled Jiraya running down the street, shoping bags flying. "Ice cream!!"

A stream of people followed him, turning the flying shopping bags into a veritable storm. Konoha's ice cream shop never knew what hit it.

*

Tsunade was wandering down the street. Jiraiya had looked very different, Jiriaya-ish still, but also a little like Dan, and with a faint hint of Orochimaru, and on the whole, unbearably hot. He had never been hot before, but those slight changes had completely flipped it all around and....

_what happened to that ice cream shop?_

Tsunade paused to stare at a pile of rubble, inhabited by a shocked looking store manager with a dirty scoop in his hand.

"That'll be four thousand yen, thanks..." he stammered, to the empty air, "...Jiraiya-sama?"

Tsunade, who wasn't in the habit of paying her own debts, let alone others, left promptly, and decided that the best thing to do was to get Jiraiya back to normal as soon as possible...she almost missed the Pervy sage...

Tsunade was in too much of a daze to instantly dismiss the thought, so instead it subsided gently to her subconcious and began gnawing away at the attitude she had carefully maintained towards Jiraya for the last forty odd years.

It did prompt her to go back to Hokage tower, finish all of her paperwork and begin studying the Emasculation jutsu she created.

*

THis is probably going to come to an end soon, simply because I need to cut down on the number of stories I'm writing, but first let's see the Emasculation jutsu through to its bitter end result. And I'll try to update frequently!!! (operative word: try)


	9. Chapter 9

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter eight: The Emasculation and Femination

Jiraiya walked down the street, looking around for something else to interfere with, now that he had restocked his wardrobe. The first person his eyes alighted on was Rock lee, out taking his eyebrows for a walk, on his hands.

"Hey, Kid, you know, if you keep walking around on your hands like that, they'll get all calloused and rough - do you use a moisturiser on them, to keep them looking young?"

"Young??" Rock lee asked, tilting his head upwards to look at Jiraiya, still tottering alonmg on his hands. "My hands are as youthful as the rest of my body!!"

"Listen to me, kid, if you keep walking around like that, your hands'll get older faster than Tsunade once she releases those seals of hers."

"Don't disrespect our Lady Tsunade!! Who do you think you are?!?" Rock lee, having eyes only for Sakura, and most of them being covered by eyebrow or bowl-cut hairdo, was oblivious to the subtle hotness of the Sanin's Genjutsu'd face.

"I'm Jiraiya. Who else would I be?" Rock lee fell over.

"What? MAster Jiraiya? I didn't recognise you? will my hands really lose the vitality of youth if I keep walking around on them??"

Yep. Absolutely. Go buy some La'mer (don't own that brand neither) Moisturiser from the local convenience store. put a bit on your hands every night and they'll stay soft and young forever. And if you plucked those eyebrows a bit and glared, Sakura might notice you." Smiling with the satisfaction of giving out great advice, Jiraiya turned to leave, before he realised that he'd forgotten something vital. "And for God's sake, lose the Jumpsuit!!!" He then felt free to leave quietly, Rock Lee gibbering with an oncoming epiphany in his wake. (Oh, dear, that was mean of me, wasn't it? bwahaha...)

*

Jiraiya had wandered on from Rock lee, when he spied Sasuke, flocked by fangirls. These Fangirls, unlike Lee, were not half blinded by copious amounts of eyebrow, and when they saw Jiraiya....

Sasuke was promptly abandoned, since even though to the Sasuke fans, Sasuke was the epitome of hotness, Jiraiya, somehow, was _more _like Sasuke than Sasuke himself.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Jiraiya, who was more interested in Sasuke - even though he wasn't of legal age yet - took one look at the rabid fan-girls and pulled out what _should _have disuaded them - but he did know would only really redirect their focus on him, from as potential love-slave to...

"Hey, girls, calm down. None of you are my type - I'm gay."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Beloved Gay best friend...was it so wrong to want to be loved by millions of fangirls??

*

Jiraiya awoke up and streched, noticing absently that his loose sleeping shirt had gotten slightly tigher around the chest - and thankfully looser around the stomach.

Yawning, Jiraiya clambered into the shower, turning the hot water on with a sigh of contentment.

After a few minutes of basking in the steaming water, Jiraiya her something splash to the floor. Looking down to see what it was, he grabbed his crotch and _screamed._

Over in the land of Snow, and everywhere in between, dogs went crazy at the supersonic sound.

The emasculation Jutsu was very nearly complete, with the neutering of it's victim.

*

This chapter is short, yes, bu-ut, I couldn't be bothered to make it longer, and I figured I really should get an update done. Also, it was a packed chapter, with new stuff happening - so, please don't kill me? 0.0


	10. Chapter 10

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter eight: HELP!! It fell off!!

Tsunade sat up sleep[ily as a woman, wet, half covered by a towel, and in hysterics barged into the room, holding something in her hand.

"TSUNADE!! IT FELL OFF!! MY BALLS FELL OFF!!!!! HELP!!!!!" She shrieked, ripping TSunade from her peaceful dreams of...

"J-JIRAIYA???!!!" Tsunade shot out of bed, ignoring her own state of relative undress as she realised _what_ the woman was holding_._ THat can't be good....

"Put em _back!!" _The woman sobbed, waving her fists around, letting the towel slip down further.

"Jiraiya, just sit down, and calm down... I'll get Shizune to make some tea." Tsunade said, pulling on her green jacket and a pair of pants. She left the room hurriedly, for some unaccountable reason, blushing. She was a doctor, and she'd seen everything there was to see, anda most of the junk you weren't meant to see, but there was something profoundly disturbing about Jiraiya entering a room in a towel, waving around his family jewels.

"Shizune, wake up. I need you to make a large dose of tea, with a mild sedative in. not enough to knock Jiraiya out though." TSunade said absently, to her half sleeping assistant. "And then get my books." Without a further word to the young woman, Tsunade turned back to her bedroom, where Jiraiya sat, hiccupping, but calmer. His breasts had grown since she'd left, and were now getting to be quite large. Tsunade tucked her jacket more securely around her, frowning as she folded her arms.

"Hey, grandma Tsunade, guess what- OH MY GOD!! Sensei?? WHat are you doing in Tsu--- YOU'RE A **_GIRL_**???????????????????????????" Naruto was sitting on the ledge, his eyes wide as he took in the scene, more due to the fact that the Great Pervy Sage was sporting breasts rather than the size, and relative scarcity of covering on them - or Tsunade's for that matter. Naruto was an odd kid.

"Oh my god.. Summoning Jutsu! Gamakichi? Go grab my camera PRONTO!!"

"WHAT??" Jiraiya yelled, standing up, and rounding on his/her student. His towel, unfortunately couldn't cope with the movement and slithered to the gound.

NAruto's eyes widened, as he realised the new dimensions of Jiraya were becoming (literally becoming, because as the two blondes watched, his hips and chest were still visibly filling out) very interesting.

"Hey, Boss, I got your cam- WOWEE!! HEY GRANDPA! COME LOOK AT THE BOSS!!" Gamakichi shouted, waving one webbed hand in the air. However, even as a naked woman, Jiraiya was a skilled ninja, and managed to reverse summon the little toad before it managed to call up the entire population of Myobokuzen, but not before Naruto got a snapshot, and well away.

"I have tea...." Shizune said, nervously, entering the room, already fully dressed, and blushing furiously as she saw Jiriaya, Naked and furious. "um....sorry, I'll come back-"

"Hey, Jiraiya, until I fix you up, how about you borrow some of my clothes?" Tsunade said, pouring two genorous cups of tea. she could use the calming effect of a bit of sedative herself.

"That's Jiraiya-"Shizune's eyes widened, and Tsunade turned to stare at her, wondering why Shizune had been blushing if she hadn't known that the naked person in her room was Jiraiya- Oh...

"I'll go get your paperwork for the day, Lady Tsunade..."

Tsunade shook her head, a faint blush tinting her own cheeks.

"What the **** is going on, Tsunade?" Asked Jiraiya, his voice carefully flat, as he picked up one of Tsunade's blankets, wrapping it securely around his body - it was just _too _weird to think of jiraiya as a she - and folding his arms.

"Well....you see....everyone was kinda sick of your perviness, so...."

"So you turned me into a girl?!?"

"Not exactly - it was a gradual process....I originally just intended to make you less pervy....

"Ah, that makes it all better??" Jiraiya asked, readjusting the folds of his blanket absent-mindedly, so that they hung more flatteringly around his now more slender frame.

"Well, I intended for it just to make you less pervy...." Tsunade was finding her position very difficult to defend under the weight of Jiraiya's supremely unimpressed glare. Her cheeks heated up a little bit more.

Jiriaya didn't say anything, his long-lashed eyes sharpening as he pressed his fingers together. After an excruciating thirty seconds, a grin flashed across his face and he wrapped his arms around Tsunade's waist, pulling her onto his lap.

"You do realise that from here, I could do absolutely anything I wated, right?" He purred into Tsunade's ear - it had not taken him long at all to master the voice of Icy Menace that was so useful to all females, he was barely even female at all...

Tsunade nodded, visions of shuriken and kunai splattering like blood across her vision. They were dispelled as Jiraya's hands slid upwards along her waist.

"Of course....you could just reverse this jutsu right now, and we'll pretend it never happened."

"Uh..... I don't really..... know... how......"


	11. Chapter 11

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter Nine:

"I....don't....really....know.....how....." Tsunade stammered, blatantly aware of the fact that Jiriaya was completely effing terrifying, even scarier than Orochimaru on a bad day...or...or...pre-Naruto Gaara on a bad day, with that freaky teddy....

Jiraiya, who was now apparently too icily furious to keep up his hysteria about the gender-change just smiled. It was the kind of smile that made you want to laugh hysterically as the tears sprinted down your face to safety, and your bowels geared up for a reflexive, pre-death voiding. I.e the super freaky smile that makes you want to laugh, cry, and pee your pants at the same time.

"That's okay, Tsunade, you can learn. I was a reasonable man, I can be a reasonable woman - insofar as reasonable is applicable to people who's mental condition allows them to justify changing their teammates' gender without prior consultation or consent. I can be reasonable enough ot give you until midnight to learn how to fix it. Isn't that reasonable?" Tsunade nodded, not liking the slightly crazy edge Jiraiya's voice took whenever he said the word reasonable. It threatened homocide. In fact, it swore - on God, it's grandmother's grave, and everything dear to it - that there would be pain and torture and very unhappy last days before the sweet release of death. Tsunade found herself hoping for someone with Mangekyou Sharingan to pop up and subject her to 72 hours of pain in a minute if it would get her away from the menace in that voice.

"o-okay..." she whimpered, squirming out of Jiraiya's lap.

"Good." Jiraiya smiled, his hands still resting just under her breasts. "Because, you realise that now, I will make sure you have cdompletely failed in making me 'less pervy', _no-one _will recognise me, and..." Jiraiya's smile gained a fifth dimension of menace (I'm a math nerd. Forgive me.), and if Tsunade hadn't been a world-class medical ninja, she _would _have peed her pants, because she knew that Jiraiya was absolutely right - his personality would reassert itself now that he knew it was being altered, but he'd probably be physically attracted to guys as well still, and he had boobs nearly as big a hers, so there _was _no way anyone would recognise him. Oh god....and there was more...

"And what...?" She asked, her voice shaking slightly. At any other time she would have been disgusted with herself, but right now she was too scared.

"I can legitimately get into the womens section of the hotsprings."

Oh sh-

*

-ucks." Shizune said, half an hour later, after Jiraiya had disappeared to the hotsprings, and Tsunade had roped in her apprentices withy a hurried explanation. Sakura was too busy laughing.

"Jiriaya's a-" she got not further, as she keeled over, her face red.

"Damn. SHizune! Get to work now!!"

*

Jiraiya licked his lips as he regarded the clerk from under his eyelashes. damn things were getting in the way of his piercing evaluative stare.

The receptionist at the hot springs gulped, folding his hands in front of himself as he came out from behind his desk.

"Right through here, uh...are you new in town? I don't think I've seen you here before..."

Jiraiya smirked at the clerk, as he realised his effect on the poor kid. it didn't seem to work though, as the clerk just got redder, and folded his hands more securely.

"Tol-towels are inside...yeah, um...."

"THanks." Jiraiya said, a quiet chuckle escaping with the words as he went through the door. Poor kid. Jiraiya dismissed the thought, as he got undressed and washed off beforehe entered the hotsprings. The womens section was almost completely abandoned. Great, just great. Folding his arms, Jiraiya peered surreptitiously at the peephole he'd used so often over the years. The mens section sounded crowded...

wrapping the tiny towel around her waist, Jiraya walked out of the womens section of the hot baths to the sound of laughter and jokes in the other half of the steaming, pool-filled courtyard.


	12. Chapter 12

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter Nine: Hello boys....

Naruto was having lots of fun showing off his new brilliant skill of stillness to Rock lee, balancing on one of the large, rounded rocks in the hotsprings without wobbling. It seemed a lot easier when the only consequence of falling was a dumping. Suddenly though, he became aware of a rival stillness spreading through the compound.

"Oh dear, I seem to have gone into the wrong section...." there was a splash, echoing through the silence as NAruto lost his stillness.

"se-sensei....?"

Rock Lee turned away from the curvacious silver haired woman to stare at Naruto. "you know her? Can you introduce me? she radiates youth...yeah, youth...." He hissed as the blonde boy broke the surface of the water, coughing and spluttering. He paused for a bit to gulp in some of the steam-laden air before regarding the woman critically. She had black eyes framed by dark red eyeshadow, and a rounded face that could be called angelic if not for the mischievious - read as decidedly evil - smirk around her full, pouty lips. All of Jiriayia's not inconsiderable bulk seemed to have been sucked into the ass - insufficiently covered by a tiny towel - and the boobs - 'modestly' covered by two slender hands - leaving a tiny waist, slender arms and luscious legs.

NAruto snorted, his super sage skillls allowing him to see the 'real' Jiraiya underneath...although it did seem to be decidedly blurry....

"Sure thing, Lee." NAruto stood up, quite pleased that he was still short enough that the water covered him well past the waist. HE did not like Jiraiya's lascivious look.

"Okay, Everyone, this is one of the prople who taught me for the last few years, she one of Jiriaya's friends - I think they might be related - similarly voracious...apetites. now, I'll just leave the lot of you to get acquainted....oh, and this is Rock Lee, Sensei, one of the finest young Ninja in Konoha. You two should get along just fine." Naruto said, before whispering loudly to the MAster of the Eyebrows. "She prefers younger partners."

With this helpful comment, Naruto left to find Tsunade, deciding that now would be a good time to get filled in.

*

"Argh, Shizune!! bring more Sake!" Tsunade snapped, as she watched the dice flip over from showing a two twos and a one to all sixes. It was a portent of doom. HEr entire room was crowded with papers, none of which had helped her in the search of changing Jiraiya back into a man.

"Yes LAdy Tsunade!" Shizune scampered back to the kitchen to fetch another bottle of chilled rice wine, and to check on Sakura, who had hyperventilated and was still out cold.

"Hey, Grandma Tsunade-" Naruto jumped into the room, grinning. "What happened to the Pervy sage?"

"AAGH!!" Tsunade shrieked, in surprise or frustration, it was unclear. "I turned him into a girl! Now he's going to kill me if I can't put his man bits back on!!" She expected surprise, concern, horror, confusion, or somehting along those lines.

She should have known better.

After a while, Naruto's howling laughter abated, and Shizune deemed the room safe to enter, holding the sake jug up protectively.

"It's not _funny!!_" Snapped Tsunade in despair.

"Yes it is...why don't you just use a transformation jutsu?"

"They aren't real. They're just illusions, and they need cahkra to sustain, and they wouldn't reaffix Jiraiya's missing bits or turn his mind back to a boy." Tsunade said helplessly. She'd considered it four times already.

"Mine would."

Tsunade was speechless for a moment, how the hell had NARUTO the number one IDIOT in Konaha come up with that - easy he was the hero of a manga/anime - then she felt the blooming of hope, and merciless winter of despair as it was crushed.

"Jiraiya can't do that kind of jutsu."

"I can teach him - it's like the Shadowclone jutsu, but a bit like those transformations I could never do too."

Hope bloomed again.

"NAruto, if you can turn Jiriaya back then.... I will personally nominate you as my heir to the title of Hokage."

"Really? _REALLY?!?! AWESOME!!!! I'M GONNA BE HOKAGE!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!_" NAruto jumped out the window, shouting faintly back, "I won't disappoint you Grandma Tsunade."

"Give me some Sake, Shizune, and then play a game of dice with me - I bet high." taking a long gulp of the alcohol, Tsunade rolled the dice, and nearly laughed when they came out as skhowing three ones. It was all going to be all right.

*

Sorry I've been lazy - but here is a chapter. Ta for reading, and may you all enjoy and recieve as many reviews as you give!!


	13. Chapter 13

Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

Chapter something...I think I lost count...

"Hey! Pervy Sage!" NAruto ran through Konoha, yelling. The blushing assistant had said Jiraiya had already gone, but had been unable to help further than that.

"Pervy Sage! Pervy Sage!!"

"Oooh, hello, what's your name? Inoichi? I'm Jirai," Naruto spun as he heard a drunken giggle coming from a nearby bar, where Jiraya had found Ino's father, who, unlike the daughter, did seem to be conforming to the Sage's tastes.

"There you are!! come on! I'm gonna help you reverse the Jutsu, adn then Grandma Tsunade is gonna make me Hokage!" Naruto grinned, and grabbed Jiraiya's arm, dragging him away from the attention of the bars occupants.

Jiraiya seemed torn, there were a lot more blond males than females in konoha, but he was mentally traumatised by the incident in the shower. a few chapters back.

"You don't seriously want to be a girl, do you Jiriaya? They're all crazy, and have those creepy mood-swings and-" Naruto broke off, waving his hand around vaguely and blushing. "Stuff."

"...OH GOD!! CHANGE ME BACK!!" Jiriaya shrieked, grabbing Naruto's arm and sprinting away, dragging his apprentice behind him.

*

Jiriaya was sitting on a rock near the waterfall that He'd taken Naruto to when they'd first been training together, concentrating intensely.

"Dammit, Naruto! I can't get this stupid Jutsu!"

"But it's...easy." Naruto was baffled. He'd already demonstrated three times how it was done, but Jiriaya had made no progress at all.

"No it's not. Damn it, Naruto, I need to change back now! Wh oknows what'll happen if..._my 'time of month' comes around..._" Jiraiya finished in a horrified, embarrased whisper.

"Well then, learn the jutsu."

"HOW?!"

"Uh... well...it's a transformation, right? But at the same time it's knid of like a shadowclone on yourself...so you...IT'S LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CLONE AND A SHADOW CLONE!!" NAruto jumped up, hitting on inspiration. "You change the transformation the same way as you change a clone into a shadow-clone!"

"OH!" Jiraiya jumped up too, relief and understanding spreading across his face. "Why didn't you say so?! Alright! Reverse Sexy Jutsu!!"

There was a large cloud of smoke, from which Jiraiya emerged, fully clad in his green and red sage regalia, the clothes that he'd been wearing as a woman shredding away under his increased bulk.

"Alright! I did it!!"

"I'm gonna be Hokage!!

"Lets go find Tsunade!!" THe two Knuckle-heads grinned at each other, leaving the waterfall behind in a dust cloud.

*

Tsunade looked up as her room was invaded by two dusty, spikey-haired ninja entering via the window.

"I'm Back!" Jiraiya said striking his sage pose.

"Brilliant!!" Said Tsunade, coming up to Jiriaya and smiling warmly. "Now, just one more thing... Amnesia Jutsu!" A green glow surrounded Jiraiya's head as Tsunade pressed her palms to his temples, and he collapsed into a faint.

"What?" Naruto asked, confused. "But- I thought-"

"Now, my new _heir_ we shall never speak of this again, okay? Jiraiya's completely forgotten about the entire duration of the Jutsu. "No-one else knows the truth, and you shall keep[ your loud mouth shut." Tsunade said, smiling evilly.

"Y-yes Grandma Tsunade...." Naruto shivered, going over to pat Jiraiya sympathetically on the shoulder, and, unbeknownst to Tsunade, slipping a small photo into the pocket of his vest, before making a hasty exit.

Tusnade sat on the couch, watching Jiraiya as he began to come around. She was desperately relieved that he was back, but also faced with an awful dilemma; while Jiraiya had been trying to seduve the male population of Konoha, and Orochimaru, she had come to the realisation that she actually liked having this mega-perve around, and commenting about how sexy her boobs were. She actually liked _him._

"Nnnngh..." Jiriaya graoned and sat up, rubbing his face. "Tsu-nade? What happened?" He asked, standing up.

"...Nothing much. I called you into my office to talk to you, but since you kept on staring down my top, I was forced to take drastic measures...you've been out for a while.

"Oh yeah... What did you want to see me about?"

"Nothing important... come on, let's go get some Sake." She said, standing up and holding a hand out to Jiriaya with a small smile.

"After you, madam...moiselle." Jiraiya said, standing up and beckoning to the door. As he did so a small piece of paper fluttered to the ground, and he bent to pick it up, his mouth dropping open as he way the picture on it.

A woman, who might have been called slender if not for the sixe of her chest and arse was standing in profile, glaring angrily out of the picture, her dark eyes framed by thick sliver locks. There was something about her face, so hauntingly familiar... and she was only wearing a towel to cover gleaming wetness of her perfect, tanned and lithe body...

"Tsunade, who is this woman? she seems... familiar."

Tsunade turned around, and saw athe picture that Naruto had taken that morning in Jiraiya's hands.

"I don't think I've ever met her...she must be my soul-mate..." Jiraiya murmered, string at the picture of himself.

"NA-RU-TO!!!!!!!!!!" Tsunade screamed, punched Jiraiya's lights out and went in search of the blonde ninja. He was going to die.

*

Fin. Owari. Slut. End. NOTHING FURTHER SHALL BE WRITTEN.

(This is as much for my own benefit as yours. I have a habit of adding sequels and stuff, but I just DON'T HAVE THE TIME!! So, anyway, Thanks for reading!! ~Ratpigeon.)


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I made up teammates for Sarutobi, but apparently he has actual teammates, who became his elders. I will not re-write the chapter, but I hope you will keep reading and enjoying anyway...who knows, i may sort itself out....

Chapter 21: Amphibian

Jiraiya sat glumly at teh edge of the river, watching the waterfall splash into a pool just upstream, and then plunge down into an huge crevasse a little further down. The grey haired boy was trying to skip rocks across the river, with dubious success.

"OW!" A shiny, orange rock protested as one of Jiraiya's rocks sailed into it, hitting it with a soft squelch and plopping into a river. "Watcha do that for?" The rock stood up and turned around, revealing a huge frog crouched in the river. It must have been about waist high, and as it glared at Jiriaya it pulled a sodden blue vest and a small bar of soap out of the water, pulling the vest on and pocketing the soap.

"...You'r a frog? I thought the rock was talking." Jiriaya said, staring at the grumpy creature. It seemed to be rather young for some reason, but if it was young, then Jiraiya didn't want to know how big it's parents might be.

"I am not a _frog," _The web-footed creature huffed. "Talking forgs get kissed and turn into princes. Yecch. _I _am a _toad._ A special kind of Toad, that only lives on mount Myobokuzen. My name is Gamabunta, but you can call me Lord Gama."

"Lord Gama?....Wait, you said a special kind of toad, and you talk... Are you one of the...summonable creatures? Like those snakes?"

"I'm much better than any snake! And yes, my kind can be summoned, if you have a contract, and enough chakra."

"_Really?!_" Jiraiya jumped up and ran to the toad, splashing his clothes. "Can I have a contract then? Please? Please!"

Gamabunta huffed, all he'd wanted was to come and wash his vest and now he was being pestered by a stupid human! So frustrating....fine.

"If you want a contract, you'll have to come to mount Myobokuzen. But I bet you couldn't find your way up." Gamabunta smirked. There was no way this kid could do it.

Where is Mount...thingie?!"

"On the border between the land of Fire and Earth. It's the tallest mountain there. But you won't be able to find our home. Only if you know the way."

"I'll find it!! I will!" Jiraiya shouted, jumping up and down. "Which way do I go?!?"

"That way." Gamabunta pointed, before reverse summoning himself back toi Myobokuzen with a laugh. This was gonna be fun.

*

Jiriaya was a day and a half out of Konoha, unknowingly following his sensei's footsteps, and almost at the base of the mountain when he remembered that he should have told Tsunade he'd left.

Oh dear.

Jiraiya debated turning back, but at that point, it was getting dark, and through the trees, he saw a small flickering light. Hungry, and ever concerned primarily with his stomach at that age just before the growth spurt, Jiraiya began to walk towards it.

"So, the Ninja of the Earth Country are stationed here here and here. We need to destroy the supply dumps here, so we should go around this way..." Jisuke's voice came soflty through the forest, and Jiraiya stopped. He'd found Sarutobi-Sensei!

"But what about the river here, it's an ideal place for an ambush. If we go around like this, they won't be expecting it..." Sarutobi corrected.

"True, and even though it'll be easier t obe spotted, there is no place where they could easily ambush or outrun us on this route....Fine I'll go get Himeko off sentry duty. We'll leave in ten minutes?"

"Yes."

Jiraiya saw a flicker of movement in the darkness, and looked around. He could have sworn he'd seen...something....

After a minute, a silence fell over the forest, the sense of something terrible being discover just nearby.

"Himeko!!!" Jisuke's voice shattered the silence, a scream of absolute anguish, and the ambush was sprung.

Half a dozen black-clad bodies darted into the clearing, one of whom actually rose up from the earth, their clothes stained brown and red with dirt and blood.

"That's the problem with thosse other Ninja - they never bay attention to what is directly below them. Even the Byakugan can't help some-one who isn't paying attention." A cruel, musicla womans voice said, issuing from the the dirt-streaked mask.

"Shut up Shisume, and help!" Shouted one of the Ninja, who had engaged with Jisuke, who was fighting with suicidal recklessness and determination, coupled with the skill and subtlety of a powerful Jonin.

"tch Earth Style: Hidden Shuriken Jutsu!" Shisume put a hand to the earth, and there was a faint ripple, before her palm sunk up to the wrist. Jiriaiya watched in stunned horror, unable to see Sarutobi or the Ninja he was fighting, but able to hear the clash of shuriken and the whispered naming of Jutsu.

After a second, the earth erupted, a hundred yards away, around Jisuke, raining into dozens and dozens of razor keen shurikens made of rock.

Jisuke dodged up and away, the shuriken almost to hitting Shisume's teammates as they sliced towards him. Somehow, the redhaired shinobi managed to dodge all but one that sliced a line of red across his leg, making him grunt in pain as he landed.

"Hey!! You idiot!!" It was a third speaker, another woman, who sounded so much like Tsunade that it jolted Jiraiya out of his shock. He had to help his sensei's team.

"Transparency Jutsu!" Jiraiya's fingers flashed through the handsigns as he ran towards the fray. He was certain it would give him an advantage, since he'd practised it in Konoha, where the most powerful eye techniques were almost the norm among Shinobi. Other villages couldn't even compare with the Fire Nation's Visual jutsu.

"Wild Lion's Mane!" Jiraiya yelled, his hair treching out towards Shisume in an invisible tail, wrapping around her wrists arms and torso.

"What? A fourth?!" Shisume twisted her wrists, fingers coming together, and sharp stone ridges forming up her arms and down her back, slicing thorugh the hair. "Earth Style: weapon/armour Jutsu." As the hair fell away, she stood up and turned, pulling her mask away from her face and scanning the surrounds.

"Come out little ninja...come out and play with me..." the voice sent chills down Jiraiya's spine.

"Um..." Jiriaya paused for a few precious moments to think."Fire Style: Spark shield Jutsu!" Jiriaya formed the jutsu desperately, the sparks beginning to loop and swirl around him. As soon as the jutus was in motion, he rushed through a substitution, jumping away from the beacon.

HE ran towards Jisuke, the sounds of Sarutobi's invisible battle of Nijutus still a quiet constant background

"Found you, little idiot."

"Earth Style!! Endless Crevasse!" Jiraiya yelled, pressing his hands to the ground as soon as he saw Jisuke jump in a whirling dazzle of sword-blades. The trench opened from his hands, sinking deeper and deeper as Jiriaya desperately poured Chakra in, trying to trap the other ninja.

"What the-" The Earth ninja stumbled as the ground vanished form under them, some shouting out in surprise until Jisuke descended on them, blades scything down, bent on vengeance.

"Clever Ninja, that substitution...but I've got you now..." Jiriaya spun, hearing Shisume's voice just behind him, a Kunai in her hand.

Jiriaya froze in hoirror as the kunai began to descend unnerringly towards him, but at the last instant, someting small flashed across his vision, knocking the kunai out of shisume's hand.

"Run Jiriaya! Get out of here!!" Sarutobi's voice shouted from the trees, giving away his location. Immediately at least four dark shapes converged towards him. Jiriaya saw a small monkey, bleeding across the chest from where it had cut itself on the kunai it had saved Jiraiya from, vanish in a puff of smoke. Jiriaya was still frozen as Shisume recovered, sinking into the earth, and vanishing.

"I'll be back for you in a minute, little ninja, just as soon as I've killed your protector..."

*


End file.
